A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”
“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”
(from AbsoluteWrite.com’s Jokes for Writers page)
I don’t believe in any particular form of afterlife, but if we’re ever granted pre-need requests, I would like there to be a heaven for writers. After all the hell we go through during our time here, I think we might even deserve one.
In my writer heaven, the computers would never crash, the printers would never jam or run out of ink, and there would be an endless supply of pens, notebooks, and uncluttered surfaces to use as tables. All the chairs in writer heaven would be comfortable, perfectly adjusted, and never make my backside go numb. I’d also like to put in preorder of chairs sized for short writers so that our feet don’t dangle above the floor — I’m tired of sitting in something that makes me feel like I should have a sippy cup and tray full of Cheerios in front of me.
I’m not too picky about how writer heaven should look. I’d like there to be family, and birds, and gardens, and dogs and cats and quilts and chocolate and tea parties and stir-fry and music and art and I can keep doing this for pages and pages so add on anything you like. Writer heaven should be everything you like.
I know that in my writer heaven the libraries and the bookstores would never close, but the televisions and video games and movie projectors would never work (unless we need them for research purposes, of course.) All of the angels would carry tote bags filled with brand-new books by our favorite authors (of which they get an endless supply from reader heaven.) Our favorite authors would also stop in to have coffee or tea with us at our heavenly cottages on a regular basis, and not mind at all when we ask them ten thousand rather annoying questions about writing. Better yet, they’d answer them.
We will write what we want and what we love in writer heaven. If there are editors and publishers there, they won’t lie to us, or ignore us, or abuse us. They’ll see to it that we never have to worry about taking care of our families or paying bills or having decent medical insurance. We won’t have to decide what our “platform” is or promote our books (the marketing saints will handle all of that for us so we can devote ourselves to the work.)
When we’re not writing, we’ll gather at some beautiful celestial starshore and sit around a fire and roast marshmallows and tell each other stories. No one will be left out or ignored; everyone will get a turn. We’ll be friends, all of us — it won’t matter what color or nationality or religion we are. We’ll all speak the same language, and we’ll all listen to each other.
In writer heaven, all of the damage that was done to us on earth will be miraculously healed. We won’t despise ourselves or envy anyone else. We’ll be free of the things that once chained our hearts and closed our minds and darkened our spirits. No egos, no pettiness, no ugliness. We will have whatever we were denied on earth.
In such a place, imagine what stories we could write.
I can’t guarantee you that there is a writer heaven, but I’d like to pass along five how-to books that I think you might find there: Breathing Life into Your Characters by Rachel Ballon, Writing the Life Poetic by Sage Cohen, Gothan Writers’ Workshop Writing Fiction, The Write-Brain Workbook by Bonnie Neubauer, and The Pocket Muse by Monica Wood. If you want a chance to own all five, in comments to this post tell us about something you think you might find in writer heaven (or if you’re drawing a blank, just toss your name in) by midnight EST on Saturday, May 23, 2009. I’ll draw one name at random from everyone who participates and send the winner brand-new unsigned copies of all five books. This giveaway is open to everyone on the planet, so no matter where you live, please do join in.
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I love your version of heaven! Am I correct in assuming I never have to wear pantyhose there and that my hair always looks gorgeous?
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No pantyhose, no makeup — and there are only Excellent Hair Days in writer heaven.
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I have the Write Brain – cool book.
In my version of writer heaven, all my friends from all over the world would get together for a face-to-face writers’ group once a week or whenever we need help. Doesn’t matter if we live in NYC, Australia or Malaysia, we just walk through a door and there we are.
Suelder
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With the exception of Breathing Life into Your Characters and the Gotham Writers’ Workshop, I don’t need the books, so don’t enter me. (LOVING The Life Poetic. I’ve come home to myself.)
My writer heaven would involve perfected bodies so I could daydream into oblivion and not have to remember to eat, sleep, or pee. C’mon, you know yours does too.
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And I meant to say, you are so generous, Lynn. Writer heaven will have a special cottage for you.
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Aha! I knew you’d like Sage’s book. (/gloat)
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In writer heaven, we will find all the books and manuscripts lost over time, especially those destroyed in the Library of Alexandria. None of them will have been bleached or had their covers replaced to be more aesthetically appealing. Furthermore, we will miraculously be able to read and understand them all, even those done in horrible scrawling handwriting or languages we didn’t know on earth.
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That would be awesome beyond words, actually. Can I come visit your writer heaven?
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Great giveaway! In my version, everyone else would think I’m a genius and want all of my books!!
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What a beautiful idea. I love the part about comfy chairs. I can’t think of a thing to add. Except maybe a place for every pet I’ve ever had, so they can curl up around my feet while I write.
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THE CHAIRS! Yes. I forgot to comment upon that. As a woman of 4′ 11″ ish, I have back problems from trying to maintain good posture, etc., in a world clearly designed for someone a good half foot taller than myself. This would be enough of a heaven right there.
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As someone in a house full of moving boxes and a moving truck coming tomorrow, my writer heaven would have someone, not me, to take care of all moving details so I can write.
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This I need.
In my writer heaven there would be no self doubt about whether I have skill to tell a compelling story. Also, in my writer heaven, the first draft would be the final draft. No need for editing, I got it right the first time.
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In writer heaven, there will always be fresh-brewed coffee and dark chocolate and window seats that look out onto gardens and kitchens full of wonderful smells at all hours of the day and night. And also, there will always be somebody to brainstorm with when a plot needs untangling.
I want to go to writer heaven.
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That sounds heavenly.
How about a pantry that is never empty when you want to cook something for all of your friends, and dishes that wash themselves.
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I love your idea of writer heaven. Of course, it goes without saying that I’d never have back, shoulder or neck pain from sitting at the keyboard for way too long, right?
Cool giveaway!
Liz
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All chairs in writer heaven would not only provide proper support, but would immediately vanquish any physical pain we might arrive with.
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A stone cottage beside a long, deserted beach where I could walk and think. A fireplace (and definitely the comfy chair!) to come home to when I’m ready to write. Oh, and a self-weeding, pest-free garden where I could pick my veggies and not have to use valuable writing time to care for them!!! And someone to cook the veggies for me. And to clean up. And…wow, this really could go on forever, couldn’t it?
Thanks for the little moment of dreaming, Lynn!
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In my writer’s heaven we’d be able to peek into the minds of anyone we wanted. Writing about a detective? Go hang out in a detective’s head for a day. Wonder what it’d be like to be blind? What the world looks like from a bird’s perspective? What a garbage man does? What the streets of Spain look like? Poof and there you are!
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Writer heaven doesn’t require much. A stable computer is good, though I’d be happy with writing longhand as long as my words were effortlessly transposed into publishable format. A wrap-around view window which presented whatever landscape happened to pique my interest (I’d be happy with a view of the Welsh countryside and a castle or two). And I’d want an espresso machine on my desk that dished out perfectly brewed coffee on demand.
Oh, I’d want some sort of heavenly editor program to point out all screw ups and flaws as I wrote so that I only had to write one draft.
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My writer heaven would be a nice writer retreat in the mountains where all of my writer friends (and nonwriter friends) could come and visit, with a big garden and lots of animals, and a big kitchen where I could cook and have someone else do the dishes. And lots of quiet time to think and write and read and think some more.
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In my little slice of writer heaven, the baby would be deliriously happy to play on her own while I type away nearby, the husband would find the perfect dinner of his choice miraculously hot in the oven and the house would be immaculate, free of laundry or day-old dishes in the sink. I would never wake up to my laptop needing to be rebooted and never suffer the panic that comes with wondering if a single painstakingly-crafted sentence has been lost. The cats would always curl up with me while typing to offer moral support, but never shed a single hair on my lap, let alone my keyboard. The music player would automatically shift songs and artists to match my writing mood, providing the perfect flow of soundtrack to both match and inspire the story. And every night would be a grand dinner party with friends and other writers, good food, and great wine, followed by eight hours of blissful, dreamy sleep.
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My writer heaven is learning that there are people everywhere reading *Writing the Life Poetic*, having a good time with poetry, and sharing their enthusiasm with others. I am grateful for your support!
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Lynn,
I loved this post. It was so much fun to let my mind wander through your vision of heaven. I think I’d add kind, knowledgeable, and thoughtful mentors or critique partners who you could turn to and say, “Now, how do I make this better?”
Also, I just wanted to give a general shout-out to you guys about this blog. The posts have been excellent. I’ve been sharing the links on FB and twitter! It’s nice to read you here in addition to PBW.
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My writer heaven would have all my pets and the cave/house, that is in my head, with a comfy bed and the ability to write directly from my thoughts without typing. (I am the slowest typist ever!)
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I second that notion, being able to get the story down as quickly as you think it would be heavenly all by itself.
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I can’t think of anything more beautiful than your own writer heaven, so I’ll just toss my name into the hat.
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Writer heaven would mean not having to deal with clients all day – I could freely choose between writing brilliantly creative radio commercial copy and putting it together, then turning to write out the speculative fiction novel in my head. I would never be too fatigued to do both, and friends and family would always know when I’m writing and would wait to call.
I suppose we could all go on and on with what we’d like! Still, if we’re going to look on the positive side, all our hardships can make for decent inspiration for a good story.
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Great ideas! Just tossing my name in the hat as well.
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Every novel debuts at #1 on the NYT Bestseller list (heaven edition).
“How is that even possible?” you might ask.
Because it’s WRITER HEAVEN, of course!
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Small cabin at the shore. A coffee pot. The ability to tap into my right brain at will. Time. Biscotti.
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In my heaven the words would transcribe from longhand to the computer as I wrote, but definitely not in a download from my brain as I thought. Sometimes the physical action of writing brings out surprises that my brain hadn’t clued me in on until the pen hits the paper. I’d hate to miss out on those wonderful moments.
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In heaven everything I wanted would stay on the page and everything that was extraneous or awkward would change to be what I’d wanted to say the first time. You know, kinda like that last sentence.
I second the biscotti, with tea.
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In my version of writer’s heaven I would have a pause button.
Why?
Writer’s heaven is perfect. The story ideas never stop. The words flow effortlessly to paper or computer. But sometimes all that perfection can get boring, so press the pause button.
When you press the button you can do anything. Take a walk on the beach. Climb a few mountains. Go for an extended stay at heaven’s best spa. Do what ever it is you wish to do and then when you are finished and ready to write, you can press the pause button and just like magic the ideas and words flow effortlessly once more.
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My heaven will be a stone cottage near the shore of a bay. From the back of the house, I can see the lush, vibrant rainforest and rising beyond that, the craggy peaks of snow-capped mountains.
There will be no self-doubt, and once a week, a gorgeous hunka manhood will drop off a challenge – any challenge be it writing or physical.
There will be chocolate with no consequences. And lattes. And chocolate. Friends too, because deadlines are flexible. Oh, and did I mention chocolate?
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Seconding the chair for short-writers. It’s amazing how much back pain comes from inadequately sized chairs…
Also, in writer heaven, every gets a Fluffy Mammal to warm their laps and approve their manuscripts. Your neck never gets stiff, your fingers never cramp, and everyone has a sense of humor.
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Please note: the name of the winner for this giveaway has now been drawn and posted. Congratulations to Kitti, and thanks to everyone for sharing a little bit of your writer heaven with us.