Some topsy-turvy emotions over the last week or so.
Tomorrow is the official release day for Kitty Goes to War, but I’ve already had lots of reports of it being out in the wild. Next week is the official release day for Discord’s Apple. These will be my ninth and tenth published novels. And I’m just as nervous as I’ve always been. It ain’t gettin’ any easier, and certainly not routine. Will it sell? Will people like it? If anything, I may even be more nervous, or maybe a different kind of nervous. I have readers who’ve been following me from the beginning — will they be satisfied or disappointed? Will the sales meet my publisher’s expectations? This usual anxiety is compounded by the fact that these are the first releases with a new publisher.
I’m so excited to have new books coming out — I can’t wait to hear what people think of them. Even after so many books, I’m still excited — these are new books, who knows what could happen? The anxiety doesn’t go away, but the excitement doesn’t go away, either. Thank goodness.
I know my friends and family get frustrated with me. Last week, I was going over the galleys for my second young adult book, and all I saw were mistakes, bad writing, things I should have done better. I also got the editorial letter and one of my critiquer’s notes on the ninth Kitty book. This revision is going to be a lot of work. So all I can talk about is how awful my writing is, how frustrated I am, I’m a fraud, this is going to be when people finally realize I’m a fraud. But see — I say this every single time. Every single set of galleys I’ve gone over, I’ve hated the book at that step. Every revision has needed a lot of work. Every book release, I get excited and anxious and wonder if this is the book that everyone is going to hate. What I’ve had a hard time explaining to people is it really does feel like this every time. Objectively, rationally, I know this has nothing to do with reality. People must be thinking that I should have gotten over it by now, it shouldn’t be a big deal, that I know I’m wrong because I was wrong the last time. But the emotions are still there.
On the other hand, one friend said to me that if there ever comes a time when I’m not emotionally screwed up over all this, when I don’t announce that it’s all crap and my career is over — that’s when he’s going to worry. Because if I’m not worried about my work not being good enough, it means I’m not trying to get better anymore. And that’ll be a problem.